Relationships where one partner promises to leave their spouse can be incredibly stressful and filled with uncertainty. Such promises often drag on, leaving the other person in a state of limbo. In this article, we'll explore the psychological reasons behind these empty promises, identify signs that he may never actually leave, and discuss how to regain control of your life.
The Psychology Behind Empty Promises
When someone promises to leave their spouse but fails to follow through, it's often due to complex psychological factors that make such a decision extremely difficult.
"People often desire change, but are held back by the overwhelming fear of the unknown and the comfort of familiarity."
— Carl Jung
One of the main reasons behind these unfulfilled promises is the fear of the unknown. Leaving a marriage involves significant changes that can trigger a lot of anxiety: "What if I regret this?", "How will I manage financially?", "What will happen to my children?"
Another major factor is the fear of social judgment. Even if a person is committed to their new partner, the fear of being judged by society, friends, or family can be a powerful deterrent against taking decisive action.
Signs He's Not Going to Leave
If your relationship has been stuck in a holding pattern, it's important to recognize the signs that he might never actually leave his wife.
- Constant excuses. If he always finds reasons to delay leaving—whether it's work, children, or other "complicated circumstances"—this is a red flag that he's not ready to make a move.
- Lack of concrete steps. Promises without actions, such as not discussing divorce with his spouse or not making plans to live separately, suggest his indecisiveness.
- Avoiding discussions about the future. If he dodges conversations about your future together, it could mean he doesn't see one.
How to Deal with the Waiting
When promises remain unfulfilled, the waiting can become unbearable. Instead of continuing to hope for change, consider taking the following steps:
- Focus on yourself. Try to shift your attention to your own interests and goals. Take up a new hobby, enroll in a class, or start a project you've been putting off.
- Have a direct conversation. A candid discussion about your feelings and expectations can help clarify the situation. Sometimes, it's necessary to ask directly: "Are you really going to leave, or are we just wasting time?"
- Consider therapy. Therapy can help you explore your feelings, clarify your expectations, and make more informed decisions.
"Waiting for someone else to change can leave you stuck in a holding pattern. It's important to remember that your life is not a rehearsal."
— Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More
Conclusion
Deciding to leave a marriage is a complex and emotionally charged process. If your partner keeps promising to leave but never does, it's crucial to remember that you don't have to wait indefinitely. Evaluate the situation realistically, accept your feelings, and consider taking steps to move forward with your life, independent of someone else's decisions.
Sources:
- Carl Jung — The Psychology of the Transference
- Melody Beattie — Codependent No More
- Research on Divorce Psychology — Research on Divorce Psychology