Relationships can be challenging. For many, intimacy is associated not only with joy and comfort but also with anxiety, fear of vulnerability, and loss of control. These emotions may lead us to subconsciously sabotage relationships that seem happy on the surface. Fear of intimacy is a common phenomenon, and its manifestations can be so subtle that we often don’t realize how our own actions threaten the bond with our partner.
1. What Is Fear of Intimacy?
Fear of intimacy is the fear of emotional vulnerability, often expressed by avoiding deep emotional connections or engaging in destructive behaviors. Psychologist John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, argued that the attachment style formed in childhood affects how we build relationships in adulthood. People with anxious-avoidant attachment often fear rejection or being hurt, so they instinctively push their partner away to protect themselves from potential pain (Bowlby, 1969).
2. Signs You’re Sabotaging Your Relationship Due to Fear of Intimacy
It’s not always obvious that your fear of intimacy is affecting your relationship. However, there are certain behavioral patterns that indicate this fear. Let’s explore the main ones.
2.1. Constant Criticism and Devaluation of Your Partner
One of the ways people subconsciously sabotage relationships is by constantly criticizing their partner. If you frequently point out their flaws, it may be a way to emotionally distance yourself. Psychotherapist Esther Perel explains: “When we criticize our partner, it may reflect our own fears. We try to control the situation by devaluing the other person so we don’t feel vulnerable” (Perel, 2017).
2.2. Avoiding Serious Conversations
Avoiding discussions about emotions and the future of the relationship is another sign of fear of intimacy. If you keep postponing talks that could strengthen the emotional connection, it might be a way to protect yourself from potential disappointment. Psychologist John Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, writes: “Avoiding discussions that are important to you and your partner creates distance and prevents emotional closeness” (Gottman, 2015).
2.3. Sabotaging Important Moments in the Relationship
Some people begin to sabotage significant moments in a relationship when they start feeling that the emotional connection is becoming too deep. For instance, you might deliberately show up late for important events or cause conflicts before holidays or trips. This is a subconscious attempt to reduce the level of intimacy because the fear of becoming emotionally vulnerable grows too strong.
2.4. Inability to Ask for Help or Support
People who fear intimacy often avoid asking for help or support. This is linked to the fear of becoming dependent on their partner. Sexologist and therapist Teresa Hamilton argues: “The fear of dependence and loss of control makes many people keep their distance, even when they really need help” (Hamilton, 2019).
2.5. Constantly Testing the Boundaries of the Relationship
When fear of intimacy becomes too overwhelming, you may unconsciously begin testing your partner’s limits. This might manifest as creating conflicts or provocative situations to see how far you can push before your partner leaves. Psychologist Susan Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, notes: “Those who fear intimacy may unconsciously seek reassurance that their partner won’t leave, even if the relationship is tested” (Johnson, 2008).
3. How to Overcome Fear of Intimacy?
The first step to overcoming fear of intimacy is acknowledging that it exists and affects your relationship. Working with a psychologist or therapist can help you understand the root causes of this fear and learn to build healthier relationships. Here are a few recommendations that can help:
3.1. Work on Your Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem is often a cause of fear of intimacy. When you don’t feel confident in yourself, you may fear that your partner will see your “flaws” and reject you. Psychologist Brené Brown, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, writes: “Embracing your vulnerability and imperfections is key to building authentic and trusting relationships” (Brown, 2010).
3.2. Learn to Express Your Emotions
Avoiding discussions about emotions is one of the main ways people sabotage intimacy. It’s essential to learn how to openly talk about your feelings and experiences, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Practicing honest communication can help reduce your fear and strengthen your relationship.
3.3. Acknowledge Your Fears and Share Them with Your Partner
Don’t be afraid to talk about your fears with your partner. Openly acknowledging that you’re afraid of intimacy can help you build a more trusting and close relationship. As therapist Harville Hendrix states: “The more we share our fears and vulnerabilities with our partner, the stronger our relationships become” (Hendrix, 2001).
3.4. Don’t Avoid Seeking Help
If you feel you can’t handle your fears on your own, seek help from a psychologist or therapist. A professional can help you understand the root causes of your fear and offer techniques that will help you gradually overcome it.
4. Conclusion
Fear of intimacy can be a powerful force that undermines even the strongest relationships. Often, people don’t realize that their fears manifest in criticism, avoidance of discussions, or relationship sabotage. However, by recognizing this fear and working on it, you can build more open, trusting, and close relationships. Remember, openness, embracing vulnerability, and honest communication with your partner are the keys to overcoming the fear of intimacy.
References:
- Bowlby, J. Attachment and Loss: Volume 1: Attachment. New York, Basic Books, 1969.
- Perel, E. The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Harper, 2017.
- Gottman, J. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books, 2015.
- Brown, B. The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing, 2010.
- Johnson, S. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown, 2008.
- Hendrix, H. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Press, 2001.
- Hamilton, T. Talking About Sex: How to Open Up and Communicate Better. Psychological Perspectives, 2019.